Rev.Speats'Blog Cabin

Welcome back kiddies...

I'd like to start the week off with a joke sent to me today courtesy of a Jazz radio promotion veteran...here we go:

"A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had a most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "Is there something special you do to the soil to get your tomatoes so red?"The gentleman responded, "Well, no. But, quite frankly, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and the tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing in front of her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So, twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden, and hoped for the best.One afternoon the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?""No," she replied, but my cucumbers are enormous!"

**God bless salty Jazz dogs everywhere....**

Goddang!

There's a reason Gob on Arrested Development rides a Segway...it purposely makes him look like a complete and utter idiot. Not too mention an asshole.

So when I saw three people (three for love of Ralph Furley!!!) riding Segways today while on my lunch break in downtown Beverly Hills, I turned to myself and said "Self, there goes three assholes on Segways..."

The moral of this grievance is that a) Segways are for assholes and b) More folks need to start watching Arrested Development.

Happy Turkey Leg One & All, And To All A Good Night!

"Why do they always pick on my hat?"
- Chuck Norris, Forced Vengance 1983

When a movie has dialog like the line listed above, you know the good Rev.Speats is all over it like flies on a rib roast boy howdy!

I've had a love affair with this craptacular Chuck Norris epic since high school and having watched it again recently, my ardor for this schlockfest hasn't diminished one iota.

With that said, here are my Top Five Reasons Why Forced Vengance Is The Great Lost Martial Arts Comedy of The 1980's:

5. Two lines referencing Chuck Norris's Stetson.

4. Chuck Norris's mentor in the film is a Tai Chi practicin' old Jewish man who happens to run a casino in Hong Kong.

3. Three separate "boom" shots!! (overhead microphone visible in three different scenes. I once pointed out a "boom" shot during a very serious screening of the overrated art film "Jesus of Montreal" back in high school and was labled a heretic for doing so).

2. Chuck's almost robotic narration - You can't go wrong with a martial arts film that also features Mr.Norris's interior monolog. When Chuck's cowboy hat gets stomped on by a rival gangster and you hear him utter "My best hat!" over the action, you can't help but question the humanity of it and pee your pants at the same time.

And the # 1 reason Why Forced Vengance Is The Great Lost Martial Arts Comedy of The 1980's:

1. CHUCK GETS A TOILET THROWN AT HIM!!!

Here endeth the lesson.

Well now that Governor Bush is now President we can all move on and hope that the next four years pass as quietly as Shaun Cassidy's singing career.

With that said, have you noticed VH-1 has turned into what I call Nostalgia Frankenstein*? Do people really get nostalgic for the previous week? Apparently this basic cable dust rag thinks so. Me, I get misty-eyed for the days when Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits hosted blocks of programming aimed at those who didn't want their MTV. I guess that's why the good cable lord had the good sense to create VH- I Classic for music snob curmudgeons like myself.

Anyway, this headless chicken of a so-called music channel has become so mired in its identity crisis they've created hidden camera shows featuring regular folks in their Hyundais singing off key to their friggin' Beyonce and Puddle of Mudd cds! Does America really need to be embarrassed further? Have we pimped our rides only to demean them with this mindless roadkill kareoke? My head is hung in best despair ever.

But I digress. This network's current line-up makes Behind The Music look like Inside The Actor's Studio...

Totally Obsessed (a current embarrassment on the VH-1 programming block) drives this point home. Do we really need a half-hour devoted to seemingly grown adults and their Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles obsession? Is it necessary to know this person takes karate lessons and covers her pizza in mayonaise so she can be true to the Ninja Turtles' creed? C'mon people are we really laughing with these folks? Do we need this underside of pop culture obsession brought into our homes on a nightly basis? Doesn't Comicon, Bot-con, and every other con already serve this purpose?

In an age where one third of Wilson Philips can broadcast her comestic surgery on TV I guess the question is moot.

(*Apologies to the most recent edition of The Surreal Life, a show truly greater than its network...Flava Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaav!!)

I implore all of you to consider this:

If any good has come out of this election is that it really got people of all ages and backgrounds to care and to participate in the democratic process.

We can't afford to be cynical any longer as we'll forfeit all the progress we made getting people mobilized...We will not roll over.

We have to continue to be vigilant and keep accountability on the front burner.

I will not roll over and I will NOT let this ruin my life. We will live each day and support one another.

Lastly, we need to get a Democratic leader that can carry the South like Clinton did, that's the key.

The hope for 2008 begins now.